I hopped on the Internet last night (actually stalked down a poor student from Michigan who is doing her internship here because she is fluent in German) to figure out how to log on because well, I managed to get us a large bottle of wine and heard call me maybe from several plane rides and hours away.
Today I’m on the Internet because I can’t sleep. Mo and I traveled to a whole different country for me to find myself just as confused as I was in our own. Mo is in the midst of his 26th grade. 26. (For the record that is counting all of them since he started school. You will be surprised how many different pieces of paperwork ask you that question).
After 26 grades and my.. Well let’s not count numbers. I still myself doing the “what if” and “what do I do game.” For the record, I’m well aware I’m my own worst enemy on this game.
But I find myself doing the dance around, do we take the fellowship abroad, do we move back to California, do we stay in North Carolina, do we have kids, do we buy a house? Do we, do we? Coulda, woulda, shoulda.
I know I don’t have the answers. And I know that there is no one else that can forge our path. I guess I just find myself time zones and flights away from family and friends who have made decisions, and wanting to be close to them, and wanting to know if they have advice on what to do.
I remember a point in my 20’s (don’t judge, I’m not so much older) feeling like I had a better grasp of my “path.” The what you should do, where you should go. And now at 30 (and i get in my 20’s those were the “shoulds”) while I’ve never felt more confident about some things, I’ve never felt more like I’m still trying to figure out so many.
I have never wanted the easy way. As a matter of fact I think I have often times made decisions that lead me down the hard way to learn, take the up hill battle, and figure things out. But I must admit, right now, I am looking towards the mountains and hoping that a clearing comes through the sky and sends me a sign. But I guess that’s what we all do sometimes. We hold on to hope. We try to figure things out. And we realize we will never have all the answers.